The longer I put this entry off, the harder it is for me to write.
2016 has not been our year.
Neither was the end of 2015.
It started in October when the factory Alex was working at cut back on 3rd shift schedules and then did away with them all together. Those on 3rd shift were supposed to be guaranteed a job at one of the other factories with their same schedule and pay but that didn’t happen–for any of them. Alex and I had survived on just my income for the majority of the time we lived together so, besides pushing back our getting out of debt plans, it wasn’t really that terrible. Unfortunately, it was the beginning of a terrible cycle of hopes and dreams being crushed.
The second week of January, Max got really sick. She couldn’t hold anything down and was throwing up. I took off work and we rushed her to an emergency vet but we weren’t able to bring her home. She had developed a mucocele in her gallbladder and the only treatment was a surgery that we couldn’t afford and wasn’t guaranteed to work. She died in my arms at 1am Friday January 15, 2016 after a 4 hour hospital stay. It was an expensive trip but we did what we had to do.
I tried to get Saturday night off but it just wasn’t in the cards. Early Sunday morning, I tore the muscle on the outside of my calf that connects under my foot. 7 months, 2 orthopedic specialists, and 4 months of physical therapy and I’m still on restriction. I didn’t have to take any time off of work, but I also spent the next 6 weeks with a partner who sent me into sensory overload every night and led to me begging my doctor to modify my restrictions and allow me to work alone again.
During this that 6 weeks, I had my bridal shower and bachelorette party and my wedding party fell apart (again). One of my bridesmaids was busy with a new family but refused to be ‘treated differently’ by being given less to do than everyone else yet in the 2 years she was a part of my bridal party, never actually did anything she said she would do or that I needed her to do. We no longer speak and, although I wish her well, I don’t need that in my life. Another showed that 3 years of being close friends didn’t mean she paid attention to any of my wishes or knew me well enough to plan something with my tastes in mind. She ended up butting heads with my maid of honor and, when I refused to get in the middle of it, she respectfully stepped down. We still talk and we’re still there for each other when our schedules allow. My matron of honor was fantastic (and there will be full details why in another post)! Due to scheduling changes, no one I worked with was able to be at my bridal shower or Bachelorette party. (I almost didn’t get my wedding off in April even though I requested it off in August.) A friend from work stepped in to help where she could and rocked out as well. Most people I invited tried, but I completely understand that it wasn’t their faults they couldn’t be there. Our officiant, who works at the chapel where I work, almost didn’t get the day off either. He had to drive 2.5 hours for our rehearsal, wait 5 hours for the wedding, then drive 2.5 hours back and work the second half of his shift!
My wedding was awesome even though it created quite a divide between myself and Alex’s family. Decisions were made without our consent that turned our wedding reception that was just supposed to be cupcakes and tea into a church-level potluck. I hated it. I cried. A lot. It was to the point where our wedding party almost skipped the reception all together and went to a restaurant instead. My friend who stepped in to save the day basically took food into the back and refused to allow his family to put anything else out we hadn’t approved of. It rubbed them the wrong way and we don’t get invited to things anymore. But we made the decision together that we weren’t willing to live the rest of our lives allowing that to continue the way that others have so we made our point and we’re okay with it. A wedding may not have been the best way to take that kind of stand, but it all worked out okay in the end.
We were married on April 16, 2016 at 2pm and we were blessed beyond belief at the outpouring of love and friendship portrayed:
-Our officiant driving across the state to marry us then finishing his work shift when he couldn’t get the whole day off.
-Our photographer driving across the state on he day off to photograph something she was initially terrified to do since she normally only does landscapes but blew it out of the park with having her photos match our personalities and recreating old photos of us.
-Our wedding party extended itself the morning of the wedding with everyone’s spouse stepping in and finding ways to help out. I could go on for days about how fantastic they were and how we couldn’t have had our day without them.
-His dad decorating the venue and my mom doing hair and make up for the wedding and making cute little chocolate desserts.
It was the best day of the year, if only briefly.
We rescued an older puppy a whole 10 days after we were married. It seemed right and we both fell in love with her. She already answered to NaNuk but I shortened it to Nuk (Nook) because I’m kind of lame. Things were looking up.
By the first week of May, I suspected I was pregnant. I came home from work on my “Friday” and slept for 17+ hours, my muscles ached and I was throwing up all the time. My symptoms showed up almost immediately. My pregnancy was confirmed 2 weeks later. Alex was over the moon excited and I was too. We knew that miscarriages are common in the first trimester so we only told the people we would have wanted support from if something happened:
Our parents, his sister, my matron of honor, and one woman at work who stayed up with me all night while I puked my brains out (she realized before I did but we confirmed it). I also told another upnight who was nearing the end of her pregnancy and my cousin who was only a couple weeks ahead of me with her 4th and was trying to prepare me for what I was going to experience.
Since I work somewhere that requires me to(occasionally) physically manage clients I was told I needed to tell the members of my team. I told my boss and those who I would be alone with. Every professional we needed to meet with was impressed by how well informed we were about resources and how good of a head we had on our shoulders. I was beginning to get excited even though I was afraid of what may happen.
That pregnant upnight, Alex, was the one who rushed me to the hospital in the middle of my shift after I had a pretty bad reaction to an antibiotic I was given-Keflex, a PNC derivative. I had a fever, cold sweats, and full body aches. After spending 4 hours in teh hospital, the doctor (who was WONDERFUL) suspected a miscarriage. I had an ultrasound but the results were inconclusive. My numbers were still high and my cervix was still closed but they weren’t seeing what they wanted to see. Given all the evidence, there was a pretty good chance my due date was calculated incorrectly and all was fine. I was placed on bedrest and needed to come in 2 days later for blood tests. My levels dropped, but not enough to concern my OB. The doctors still portrayed a high chance of having a successful pregnancy. I was already mourning my baby.
After spending a week being poked and prodded every other day, the miscarriage was called and my numbers began dropping much faster than expected. I had some complications and ended up with 3 weeks off work to recover. It wasn’t enough, but I ran out of sick time. People offered to donate but I wanted to start getting a bit of normalcy back even if I wasn’t ready for it. Pregnant Alex checked on me every day and between her and Husband Alex, I was able to pick up some of my pieces. I chose to miscarry naturally instead of having a D&C. I didn’t realize what that meant when I made that choice. I did but, not really. Emotionally, I wasn’t ready for that. Especially not 2 days before I turned 26.
Those I trusted to keep my secret didn’t. My coworkers told their friends and I came back from my 3 weeks off to massive amounts of congratulations. My cousin told her father who proceeded to tell almost everyone in the family. Thankfully, they all told my mom congratulations instead of me but I’m sure it was hard for her too. I asked my cousin to tell whoever it was she told that I lost the baby so that I didn’t have to. I have no idea whether she did or not, it’s pretty fair to say we’re not speaking right now. It’s been over a month since the complications began and just shy of a month since the miscarriage was completed and I still struggle every day. People at work still congratulate me, I have to fill out “not pregnant” on medical forms and I still have to keep all the appointments I already made, the purpose just changed.
I was 10 weeks pregnant by the time it was over. So close to entering into my second trimester and lower risk. I feel like I failed. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t let the nurse convince me that the PNC in Keflex was such a different strain that it wouldn’t cause a reaction or if I would have been more firm in my questioning about the safety–not of Keflex on its own, but of what would happen if I had a reaction while pregnant. Instead, less than 2 hours after my first dose, I’m calling my boss trying to get coverage so I can go to the ER. I made a mistake. I didn’t trust my own judgement and now I’ll never know if I sacrificed my baby. I get to live with that. It’s a struggle.
28 days from yesterday we’ll be cleared to try again. I’m having a terrible time with that.
I can’t say that Alex and I aren’t closer now than we were before. He laid in bed with me for 2 weeks, he cried with me and called everyone who needed to be called for me, he shouldered the responsibility for both of us and broke every bit of bad news to me because I wasn’t strong enough on my own. Once I was released to get out of bed as long as my pain was managed, he planned day trips where most of the time was spent in the car so I didn’t have to worry about walking or being around people. We dug ourselves a bit further into debt to make it happen, but it was something that needed to happen.
The same week I returned to work, Alex started a new job and has already been promoted once with a second promotion expected by the end of August. We don’t see each other like we used to and the housework is suffering a bit while we figure out how to function on opposite shifts but if everything goes as planned the only debt we’ll have by August of next year is my student loan (and hopefully a new car payment)!
We grew a lot this year. We discovered what and who were important to us. We’ve gotten our priorities straight(er). It’s been such a horrible year for us but we’re still here. We still love each other and we have some of the most amazing people in the world who love us back.
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